We have all lost a loved one in our time and thought this is too much. This is too hard. I cannot do this.

After losing a spouse who was my everything, I can safely say I Can do this. It took so much time to wrap my head around the fact that he was never coming home and that I had to live this life without him. It took so much effort to get dressed and continue on with day to day stuff like a zombie. I was miserable. I hated life. I didn’t want to live.

Looking back at it now I know this, my Late Husband saw everything. He saw my state and my emotions and he was deeply saddened. That wasn’t what he wanted for me. That wasn’t the fearless girl he knew and you know what he was right.

Death changes you. It morphs you into who you are now. I am not the same person I was 2 years ago. I have loved and lost. I have fought some pretty ugly battles alone. I have come out on top battered and scarred, but you know what. I am still living. I am moving forward trying to find the good in life because if we don’t we will die in a sorrow state. Our loved ones don’t want that. They would never want that.

We have to remember that they will be waiting for us no matter how long it takes. We didn’t die, though we may have felt like we did, but we were left here to finish writing the story.

Death takes its toll but it is up to us how we react to it and take the bull by the horns. Make your loved ones proud. Make them remember who you were before they passed away and let them meet the new you. The stronger you!

No matter what life throws at you, remember it is always worth living even if it hurts sometimes.

Don’t live in the shadows of your fears.

Let me start by sharing my passion!

Being on the board of a non profit for piggies and other agricultural animals has changed my life. Since becoming a pig mom almost 4 years ago, I wanted to help the world see that these are DOMESTICATED animals and not farm pigs…..from the moment forward I wanted to give this my all.

I joined Perfectly Pigs 2 years ago and almost a year ago now I’ve decided to take the position as public relations….please help me make this world a better place.

Meet Peppa, she is a rescue/regime being fostered by Shashuzzi acres for Perfectly Pigs, Inc. She is in need of spaying and vaccinations and is scheduled for March 7, The cost is $300. Please help us prevent backyard breeding and future shelter pigs. Donations can be made via PayPal to perfectlypigsinc@ gmail.com please put Peppa’s spay in the message so the funds may be properly distributed.

Everyone has their new years resolutions…..me I am over here thinking I just want to get through the year without losing all of the important shit!

Mail….I think that it just vanishes in thin air…I have no idea where they go. I am sure that if I am honest I probably put it somewhere that I would never look.

I see all of these people doing the Marie Kondo organizing and I am impressed but damn, if I started doing that I would probably find things that shouldn’t be found HAHA.

But on an honest note, I do want to do this life better. I have the constant feeling of suffocating. It is time for me to change. It is time for me to dig out of this giant black hole. Mental illness is real, and it takes more than a mindset to cure.

For the first time in two years I admitted that I needed help. These feelings, this anxiety, stress and the PTSD all have pointed me down the path of needing help. I made a huge step this week and talked to my doctor. I told her exactly how I have been feeling. I feel like I have not slept in almost 2 years since I lost my husband, I eat over the counter drugs like candy and they DON’T work! She listened to me, she listened to my needs and truly helped me feel like I do matter.

When I got home with a script of sleeping pills and anxiety/depression pills, I felt like a broken person. I felt like I have finally lost the battle with myself of not wanting to be medicated. Someone told me that just because I have to be on medicine doesn’t mean that I am a broken person at all. It means I have been through some horrible events and I just need a little help to get back to a normal state of mind.  This resonated with me and I started to look at it in a different light.

I may be a broken person, but aren’t we all? Just because I need some help to get me through doesn’t mean I am weak. I had all of these thoughts about medication that were just figments of my imagination.

Well back to the moral of the story. Goals. We all have them. We should prioritize them and follow through. It is something that I have let go almost 2 years ago. I have stopped caring about the important things, I have stopped caring about my goals. Truth is this year I need to be different. I need to continue with goals and dreaming. I need to organize my house and get rid of things that no longer suit our lives. I need to stop being so careless about important things like mail. I need to remember to check that daily and stop setting it in random places. I need to prioritize my home life like I do at work. I need to do this for me.

Truth is we are all a bit broken and it doesn’t make us weak to admit that we need help.

 

Here is to a better year–I won’t be going with the standard new year, new me quote, but that is only because it may take me longer to a year to find the new me.

 

Follow your dreams and crush your goals. Remember you are important.

So the holidays have come and gone. Some people love them and some hate them.

I fall between the Grinch and Scrooge….I have not been in the holiday spirit for 2 christmases now….though I would love to say I wasn’t a scrooge this year, I can’t.

With the holiday time off brought many thoughts on my life and what I need to do differently. My daughter doesn’t need to grow up with her mother being depressed on the holidays so, I’ve decided to do things different this year. She deserves a world of happiness and I can put aside my darkness to give that to her.

I know it won’t be an easy task but, I need to do this for her. 2019 will be a totally different year for us. I want to try new things and introduce the holiday spirit back into our lives.

With that being said we will create new holiday traditions just her and I and I will make the promise to her that I will do better.

Christmas isn’t about the gifts because we all have the greatest one and that being life. I know that I am not the only one who struggles with this, but I am here to say you can do it. You can find happiness in the little things. Be thankful for the family you do have left and lastly be thankful for YOUR life.

We are all on different life plans and we never know what may change. Embrace what you do have and never take it for granted.

In 2019 I want to see my daughters face light up when the Christmas tree is put up and she sees the lights. I know I can do this because Kit was always happiest when we both smiled.

I made the promise to him this year that Scrooge will be moving out and we will be in the spirit creating memories.

Moral of the story is, it is okay to not be okay all the time. It is okay to struggle, but I challenge you to take one thing that depresses you and turn it into NEW amazing memories.

You CAN do this!

We all have those memories. They creep into our mind letting us know that we have had some good times and bad.

A couple days ago was our 2nd year wedding ceremony anniversary (we were legally married already) and it was a bright, sunny 65 degree day. I couldn’t help but wind the clock back two years.

Two years ago a couple days before the wedding our high for the day was 35….I was so mad and worried that we would have to be married inside(I didn’t want that) so I mentally prepared myself for an indoor wedding…..and then……the wedding day came, the sun came out and it was 70 degrees. I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect day for my perfect wedding outside…..it was amazing!

So let’s fast forward to this year and memories…..memories hit us at different times and can cause different emotions, but for me October 29th 2018 was different….I didn’t sulk, I didn’t cry and I didn’t lock myself in a room praying for the day to be over, instead I went to work had a busy day and couldn’t help but notice the sun was shining and it was beautiful. I knew my husband dialed up the weather and I felt happy. Not happy because life has been “great” since becoming widowed, but happy because of those memories. The memories that I will forever treasure. The memories that October 29th 2016 will forever be OUR DAY…..and then this happened.

I had just gotten off work and got in my car and when I started it, our first dance song “God bless the Broken Road” was on the radio…..yet another beautiful memory I got to replay.

So instead of letting the hurt of him being gone and ruining OUR DAY I chose to be happy and feel the love that he was showering me with from above. I never really believed in the spiritual things happening until I lost my husband….then things that I cannot even begin to understand started happening like…….this 1 little green hummingbird that had never come to the house in nearly 2 years of owning it, stopped by and hovered in the garage with me and the first song I heard post loss (“In Case You Didn’t Know”) I just knew that right then he played this so I knew how he felt about me…..Now he plays that song on days I’m having a hard time and missing him and boom more memories come back and remind me I was truly blessed.

Truth is not all memories are good memories, but it is how we interpret them that decides our mood at that particular moment.

So for me I decided that October 29th 2018 was going to be an amazing day and I truly felt the love we once shared. Just because I didn’t get sad, doesn’t mean I didn’t care. I just needed to show my husband up above that all I need is those little signs from him and I’ll always cherish our memories.

Hey guys it’s been a real long time, but I’ve been going through a rough patch. Let’s chat a bit about what has been going on in this crazy brain of mine….

I have never been real good at letting others know how I am feeling at any particular moment. I have gone through many stages of depression that I didn’t know how to deal with, but I also always worried about someone discounting my feelings. So therefore I have always bottled them up. This has probably been going on in my life for at least 15 years….crazy right…..I can already hear; You can always talk to me. Why don’t you tell your doctor? Why don’t you see a counselor?

Truth is guys….I don’t want to be medicated for this…..primary reason i stay away from my doctor. He knows about my anxiety and is on my side when I say I don’t want to be medicated.

Next let’s talk about that 1 friend who always says you can talk to them….well this is true but lets also remember some people take your weaknesses and talk behind your back. I’m not saying all of my friends are like this but I have been burned many many times.

Lastly let’s talk about a therapist….I’ve been to one…yep I was so ashamed I couldn’t even tell my own mom. While it did feel good to talk to that 3rd party about all these emotions that was only a temporary fix…I did get a clearer understanding of where my anxiety comes from but let’s save that for a rainy day. No pun intended😂

But back to the bottled up emotions. In my marriage to Kit neither one of us liked to communicate how we were feeling at a given moment and when it finally all came out it was an explosion…one person usually ended up sleeping on the couch. We were both stubborn beings. However we knew this and we worked on getting better together and it was getting easier….but…..

Now that he is gone I know I am reverting back to my old ways. I don’t know how to communicate how I am feeling and I have been in a serious rut…..silly things have truly gotten to me and that little ugly emotion monster inside of my came out…..

In a perfect world I would love to say that I will be better tomorrow but that isn’t going to happen. It is definitely a huge self goal to learn how to communicate my issues.

I know I am not alone as there are many other widow/widowers that feel the exact same way…but let me be honest, there is so many non widow people out there that have these feelings.

I want everyone to know that we all have dark moments and I can promise you that there really are genuine people out there to talk to….and if not I am here for anyone who needs a shoulder. I have learned not to judge because let’s face it who am I to judge?

Just because you have depression, anxiety or bottle your emotions you are not a damaged person. You will wake up each day stronger!

It has been a while since I have posted and this blog posts another of those not so fun topics.

As I sit here in the airport on my way to Florida to be with my best friend during a super hard time.

Grief comes in all different forms. It’s all different. My best friends mom unexpectedly passed away last week, I sit here and try to understand the grief she is going through….just because I am widowed this doesn’t make me an expert. Losing a spouse is so much different than losing a parent. I will never compare my grief to anything like that. I couldn’t imagine losing my mom.

Death sucks, but I guess we all technically live to die. What I want to talk about is being prepared for this. Do you have a will? How about life insurance? Now I’m no expert on this either but when I unexpectedly lost my husband last April, this has become a priority in my life. My husband didn’t have a will. It made everything so complicated and I can tell you I wasn’t prepared. My husband and I only briefly talked about our wishes when we passed. I literally had to put myself in his mind and guess how he wanted things to be. I know my best friend is going through the same with her mom.

I know we all sit here and say I’m too young for a will, however that isn’t true especially if you have children. I am 29, and widowed at 28, I too fell in the I am too young category. That one spring day changed my whole life. It is my duty to be prepared to leave this earth whether I live until I’m 90 or only until tomorrow.

Needless to say I am working on my will and I have doubled my life insurance.

Point here is, death sucks, but you are never too young to be prepared!!!

Save your loved ones some stress during this painful time and be prepared!

Since becoming a widow 14 months ago here are some things I have lost: My mind, any sort of bill that needs paid, car registration, car lisence renewal, keys…and plenty more things I am forgetting.

Last night on my commute home I completely lost my shit. I realized that I had not renewed the plates for my Mustang in April that my husband bought me…..I had to find that stupid post card so that I could renew it online….I kept replaying the worst case scenario in my head, the car is in my LHs name and I was scared if I had to go to the DMV, that they wouldn’t let me renew it…..I completely melted down.

After sitting down and having a cold one, I thought of where that card might be and guess what I FOUND IT! I was so happy I wanted to scream….I know I posted about widows fog before but I feel like this goes way beyond the fog and it will probably never be the same as it used to be.

I often try to think back in time when I was the most organized person I knew. Bills never got lost, hell they even got paid on time. I sat back and reflected on the past year and I am deeply saddened by my current state and lack of care.

I want to go back to a time when my house was organized, I knew where everything was and I had my shit together…..I am coming to a conclusion that I am the only one who can fix this and lord knows I’m trying. But on the flip side I know I need to stop being so hard on myself….life changed quick and in a hurry….it is no surprise that my state of mind changed just as fast. I need to put one foot in front of the other every day and work towards the common goal…..ORGANIZATION in my life again

I know I am not the only single mom or widow who just thinks they are a complete hot mess…..I am here to tell you it is okay. Be kind to yourself, and work every day to fix what is broken.

It doesn’t necessarily get better but it does get bearable and more manageable.

I am stuck somewhere between completely lost my shit and hot mess.

So if you feel like you are a hot mess, here’s to you. Let’s work 1 day at a time and reach the goals we are after.

Be kind to yourself

It has been 14 months today since I had to say goodbye to my best friend and soul mate…not a minute goes by without wondering what life would be like if he was still here….

In the beginning of my widow days I told everyone including myself that I would never remarry or even date…..who was I kidding. Kit wouldn’t want that….he would not want me to be sad and miserable for the rest of my life…..

Though I am still not sure of my purpose here in this world there is one thing that I can say. I was good at being a wife. I miss being a wife and I honestly hope that someday I can be a wife again.

Took a HUGE leap a few days ago and entered into a romantic relationship with someone I’ve known for 6 years….for the first time in a long time I feel hopeful again. I feel like this is the path that has been laid for me and I hope that everything falls into place.

If there is one thing I can definitely say is this, it takes one hell of a man to love a widow. If I was on the other side of the fence I honestly don’t know how I would handle it. I am glad that someone has walked into my life and made it seem just a little bit brighter.

Just because I am moving on doesn’t mean for one minute I will ever stop thinking about or loving Kit. That is something that will never go away. His pictures will always be hanging as a reminder of the love we shared. I know there are people out there bashing me for moving on, but I truly believe this is of Kit’s doing.

Don’t sell yourself short and give up on happiness because you don’t think you deserve it…..give love a second chance

I’m sure I have said it before but none of this would be possible without all of my loving friends and famly.

Deanna

and I finally teamed up and figured out what we want to do in life and that is making a difference in this world! Throwing toxins out of our households and sharing some of the best products that are actually ALL NATURAL with the world.

A little background on Aubri-Kade, we tossed the idea around about 2 years ago to start our own busines…..then we had a few hammers thrown into the mix and one of them being losing my amazing husband Kit. He was so supportive and excited about us wanting to start our own business and helping us in anyway he could….though he may think he failed us by not being here, that isn’t the case. He actually pushed us to think harder and figure out what we were passionate about. I’ll forever be grateful to that man.

Here we are in pre-launch and we have 2 items that are currently flying off the shelf….of course this isn’t near the amount of items that will be available over the course of the few months but I cannot say thank you enough to all of our customers! You really are what helps us make a difference.

With that being said, I am super excited to announce all the fun things that Aubri-Kade will provide to your family including those loving fur babies.

I also want to throw out a big thanks to the silent partner who has been so supportive! As of right now that person will remain anonymous, but you know who you are!

Please follow our business page for free updates and I promise the website will be up and running soon!

http://www.facebook.com/aubrikade

Much love
Deanna & Jessica

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